I'M ABBY,
a natural mother allowing her daughter to have her truth

INTENTION

I'm curating this blog to share the realities of being a "birth-mother" in the adoption industry, while sharing my life for my adopted daughter. My hope is that someday she'll come to find this blog to have information about me as her natural mother and the true desires of my heart despite anything she has been made to believe. From here out, I will be addressing my daughter as if I'm writing to her.

DAUGHTER,
A note for you.

My name is Abby Fredericksen and I'm your natural mother. I've been wanting to launch this page for a long time and have decided that there's no need to wait for you to know how much I love you. I hope that you will come across this website in God's perfect time.

If you're seeing this, I want acknowledge that I'm a complete stranger to you, but I want to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. I pray for you daily and can't wait to meet you again if reunion is something you'd like to explore. If reunion is not something you want, my goal is for you to have more information on where you came from. I'm hoping that this website will bring you peace by answering some of your questions. Please know that if you ever reach out, you won't have to fear judgement, rejection, guilt or have to feel obligation in any way. I'm here at your convenience and to hold space for you should you ever want it.

Your Natural Mother,

Abby

ABOUT ME

We live on a farm in Long Grove, Iowa where we have a bunch of animals, gardens and wide open space. The horses are my favorite! They just seem to snuggle up when you need it most and are always there for you.

Prince is a Fell Pony and is the same age as you! He's the black horse. I actually purchased him for your 3rd birthday. I've spent almost your whole life training him for when you are ready to meet him. I have always wondered if you would have access to horses throughout your life with your adoptive family. Your mother has known from the start the love I have for horses and I hope she has fostered this in you if you've shown interest throughout your childhood.

Sur is the horse on the right in the above picture. He's a Thoroughbred and is an ex racehorse. I've had him since he was barely 5 years old and purchased him off of the race track. I hope we will be able to ride horses together in the future.

Below are a few pictures of the horses and more pictures of me so you can see similarities between you and I. I think we look a lot alike but you also look a lot like Brandon. You'll see a picture of Brandon riding Prince too. He's not really into horses, but he still enjoyed them with me a few times per year at least.

You'll also see a picture of my dog, Milli. She is the sweetest pup! I also have goats, chickens and a couple of cats too. And I LOVE flowers! That's why I send you flowers at least a couple times per year. I even have a little cut flower garden where I can pick a fresh bouquet daily. I often wonder if you're an animal and flower lover just like I am.

GENETIC MIRRORING
What does it actually mean?

When you were born, I regretfully didn't do my research on the complexities of adoption and how it can cause a lot of deeply rooted pain for adopted people. The depth of this trauma typically goes unnoticed or is not completely identified in an adoptive family home and even with counselors. I knew enough to know that if I were to proceed with an adoption, it MUST be an open adoption where you and I would have regular physical contact and remain in contact through technology between the visits that were promised.

Although I didn't know the term at the time, I soon came to learn about Genetic Mirroring. This is how it's described on a different adoption education website:

"Genetic mirroring is being able to see yourself in the family that surrounds you because of your shared DNA, providing a basis of familiarity to your cultural, racial, and ethnic roots. It is one of the fundamental building blocks of identity, being able to see elements of yourself in other people, and to hold that kind of connection. Genetic mirroring is a roadmap to one's past, present, and future selves.

Biological family members are a roadmap to the future self. There is a certain comfort in being able to predict how your face will age, or how your talents might carry you through the world. For adoptees without access to genetic mirrors, it isn’t just their current sense of self and identity that is impacted; it is also the ability to see how their future might be shaped.

Genetic mirroring is how we formulate both our sense of self, and how we fit ourselves into the greater world around us, and for adoptees, the loss of genetic mirrors means they must formulate identity in a vacuum, without an innate biological connection to their family."

My goal as your natural mother has always been to provide genetic mirroring like what was promised to us before you were born. My promise was to always be available to you, as my daughter, in any situation where it was appropriate and to show my unconditional love for you. You were to have all information necessary to become your own self with confidence and joy without a sense of fear, obligation or guilt. You were to have and to feel, firsthand, the overwhelming amount of love from every party involved. Throughout your life, I feel that this has been prevented regardless of my continued efforts. It makes me sad that this has been taken from you, BUT, I'm grateful to give you at least some genetic mirroring here via pictures and more about my own likes and dislikes.

GENETIC MIRRORING
in action...

I often wonder about the things you love to do, the foods you love to eat, your favorite color, what your personality is like too. There's so many things I wonder about and I'm sure you wonder about me too.

There's something so magical about being outside in nature to me. You'll often find me outside with the animals, going for walks or working out in the garden. Even in the winter time I love to be outside. I love experiencing God's creation.

I personally love salty foods, like our homemade salsa and pickles. Brandon loves our pickles too! They are his favorite. I also love my sweets though. My favorite ice cream is Mint Chocolate Chip, but I like to switch it up once in a while with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. I ate a lot of ice cream when I was pregnant with you.. and a lot of salsa haha! Your Grandma Kathy Polzin makes the best cakes. She would bake me a cake for my birthday every year and they were always so delicious. Kathy has taught me a lot when it comes to baking cakes and I actually bake you a cake every year for your birthday. I can't wait to show you the pictures from each year if you would ever like to see them. My favorite cake is Kathy's white cake, but her raspberry filled cake and chocolate cake are amazing as well. She actually baked your Aunt Emily's cakes for her wedding. The Polzin's are an amazing family and have always been a big part of my life. Brandon is one of the most incredible men out there. He truly means the world to me and we still have a wonderful, loving relationship. I truly couldn't ask for a better dad for you and am so grateful that you're able to know him and his family. He loves you Ellie.

I'm more of a fruit eater than a veggie eater. In fact, I really don't like my veggies at all unless they come from our garden. Fruit is my favorite though! We have lots of berries on the farm as well as apples, cherries and even peaches.

I love being in the kitchen. I do lots of canning and freezing food for the winter so that we are eating nutritious foods from our garden all year. My favorite thing to bake is blueberry cobbler with your great grandmother's recipe. It's delicious! Someday we can go pick blueberries together and make a cobbler together if you would like?

I don't really have a favorite color because I love them all. I think if I were to pick my favorite right now, it would be olive green. I am building a house and have decided to incorporate it into my new home. I decided to actually build our home with an extra bedroom so that if you ever come to visit, you'll have your own room! I wish I knew your favorite color so that I could decorate it the way you would love it, but maybe we can talk more about that in the future.

I'm more of a night owl than an early bird. It takes me a long time to wake up in the morning but I could stay up late every night. I love drinking my coffee in the morning and reading a book upon waking up. Usually I read the Bible to start my day, but sometimes I'll read one of my gardening books. I've LOVED coffee since I was very young and often enjoy going to our local coffee shops a few times per week to get work done on my computer.

I have always been an entrepreneur. I've had many different businesses and have worked my booty off for each one of them. Several of them did very well, while other businesses I decided to move along from quickly. I currently own a business where I preserve flowers! It's a lot of fun! I mean, who doesn't like to see gorgeous flowers everyday? It's really nice to have a business of my own so that I can prioritize the things I love around my work. I have heard that you also have an entrepreneurial spirit like I do, which I think is so neat! That gene definitely come from my side of the family! All of my family from generations have been business owners. For instance, my dad has been a business owner for many years and actually just recently sold his business. His father (your great grandfather) had many many businesses and it goes all the way up the chain! Your great great great great grandfather owned a little grocery/convenience store in Denmark on the island of Fin before they made their way over to the United States many years ago. I plan to start working on your lineage so that someday, you'll know more about your family tree. But regardless, you come from a family of business owners, which is pretty cool that you have that same streak in you. I hope to be able to support one of your future businesses if you would let me.

I asked some of my friends to describe my personality so that I could share a their perspective with you.

My sister, your Aunt Emily, said that I'm very independent, driven and I persevere.

I've been told by one of the closest people to me that I'm very adventurous, loving, kind, a free spirit, incredibly understanding and forgiving, but that I'm also a determined individual with lots of spunk too.

My Papa Steve (your great grandfather) always said that nobody has to worry about me, because I will always find my way and be successful in all I do. He knew from when I was just a young child that I'm determined. I'm a problem solver and always find my way during hard times. Papa Steve is in Heaven with Jesus now. I miss him every day and wish that you would have been able to meet him. My father is a lot like Papa Steve, and someday I hope you'll be able to meet Papa Dave (my dad, your Grandpa).

One of my friends took the time to share her thoughts on my personality. "Abby is one of the most genuine people I know. She leads with integrity. You can count on her to be honest with you, even when you may not want to hear it. She has your best interest at heart and always speaks the truth. I’m so thankful for her knowledge and value she has added to my life."

Someday I hope to learn more about all the things you love and what your personality is like.

DO WE LOOK ALIKE?

I'd say that you mostly look like Brandon, but a much much much more beautiful version of him of course. I can definitely see that we have a similar body shape, the same nose, lips and maybe a similar side profile? It's hard to tell, but I'll let you decide.

DAUGHTER,

you're entitled to have this information and any further information you would like in the future...

I am so sorry for the feelings that you might be experiencing right now that could be uncomfortable. I'm sure you're feeling some level of joy, peace, happiness, maybe even relief, but I'm sure you are also lonely, sad or even angry at the same time. No matter what feelings arise, YOU ARE ALLOWED to feel all of those things. Your feelings are valid no matter what they are. You don't have to feel guilt for any of those feelings that arise.

I want you to know that you are allowed to question anything that your family has shared with you. If something deep in your spirit seems unsettled or not right with what they have been telling you all these years, please understand that God gave you that intuition for a reason. I can assure you that I have documentation of nearly every conversation with your family over your lifetime so that you will have access to your truth someday if you ever wish to know.

All I have ever wanted was for our family to be able to show you how much you mean to us just like your parents promised from before you were born. I have continued to ask to play my role as your natural mother, like they promised to you and I, by giving you access to me at all times so I could answer your questions and support you in anyway you needed. The goal from the start was to have open communication and transparency around your story from the beginning. You were always supposed to know who I was firsthand from regular visits and all parties were to foster an environment where you could become confident in who you are biologically while growing up in a different family. Over the years, I have continued to ask to see you and for your parents to talk with me. I have tried everything with no success. Had I known that your parents had different intentions for your future than what was told to me, we would be in a different situation. Since you haven't been allowed to know me firsthand, I feel I need to share my love for you on different platforms, make it easy for you to find me in the future and share my story so that other mothers and children can better navigate the complexities of what adoption actually is before moving forward. I wish I knew someone like me when I was pregnant with you. Things would look so different.

There is much more to your story than what you know, but in the meantime, I hope that this website gives you peace knowing that I'm here if you ever want to know me. Our little farm and our home is available to you whenever you wish and my intent is to have as much or as little communication as YOU are comfortable with. I'm here to be a friend to you. If you choose not to explore reunion, please know that I will be able to process and understand your decision, though, I do hope you will hear my heart and give me a chance. While you may never want to know me, please know I have countless connections to adoptees who know your story and have lived similar experiences. I even have connections to licensed counselors who are also adoptees and know what it's like to be in your shoes, which is definitely the best type of therapist. They are here if you need a friend who will actually understand your feelings and the experiences that you have gone through. Adoption is complicated. It's hard and it's usually riddled with secrets and half truths while being portrayed as "beautiful," or "God's will." Unfortunately, no matter how hard someone may try, nobody knows what it's like to be adopted except for adoptees - including myself, which is why I surround myself with people who can help me learn more about what you might be experiencing at different stages of your life. I'm happy to connect you to any of these people should you need a safe person and space to talk freely. Your feelings are valid, and you don't have to fear judgment, guilt, shame or obligation when talking to someone who knows what it's like. Adoptees are the only people who know what you have gone through and are going through.

No matter what the future holds, please always know how much I love you and how hard I have tried to hold your parents accountable for the promises they made to you and I. I'm sending you love and praying for you daily.

Love,

Abby